Me Against My Pairing
by Tsugumi Winters
Summary: -points at Kolidescope- It's her fault! Another fic to add to the crack!fics chain started by DireSphinx-san -thanks her for making it-. Apparently, Kaito and Conan have something to say about being paired together...


**Title:** Me Against My Pairing  
**Fandom:** Detective Conan / Magic Kaito  
**Word Count:** 2,855  
**Rating:** T (PG-13)  
**Warnings:** Swearing and some spoilers for my fanfic. Also, crack!fic.  
**Characters:** Kaitou KID, Conan Edogawa & Tsugumi Winters (Me)  
**Disclaimer:** I, Tsugumi Winters, own neither the characters nor the animes/mangas mentioned in this... fic. Animes/Mangas and characters are owned by the great Gosho Aoyama, while the idea for this fic is originally by DireSphinx. I only own myself, the computer I'm using, the house I'm in and everything inside said house.  
**Notes:** The predecessors of this fic are listed: "Existentialist Conversations" by _DireSphinx_, "Who's got the power" by _66ButterflyOfDarkness99_, "Some Have Trouble In Paradise" by _s2lou_, "Computer Viruses" by _katiesparks_, "Special Message" by _AngelRoy_, "Email 1412" by _Zeodyme Delacross_, "I Got Cursed" by _moonlit-vampire-13_ and "Too Early in the Morning" by _Kolidescope_- who is the reason I wrote this... Remember, Kolidescope, this is your fault! :P  
My plan had been to post my DCMK fic here as soon as it was done and let it be my first DC fic... I can't believe I'm posting a crack!fic first, of all things... Oh well, will try to follow up with a oneshot to balance it out...

* * *

I fell into my chair with a contented sigh. Nothing's better than Summer Vacation and being young enough that there's no work to worry about. I clicked on the smiley on my taskbar and my Yahoo! (Instant) Messenger came out. No one that I would talk to was online though, so I closed it again. Okay, so there's no one to talk to and I'm quite sure that there's nothing new to read. That means- writing time.

I restored the Word Document from the taskbar and continued my Detective Conan fan-fiction- Making It Literal, which I had decided not to post to because of my rather questionable logic. My hands returned to the keyboard, but did not type anything in. I knew what the problem was- I was stuck. On the sixth chapter, nonetheless. I never seem to be able to get past six damn chapters whenever I type a multi-chaptered story, but I shall try, and I won't give up on this story, because the fandom needs more love!

A grin appeared on my face as I thought of something and I couldn't help the evil chuckle that spilled from my lips. _Oh, I'm so cruel to Saguru-kun!_ I thought, but as I was about to type in the scene, there was an explosion of pink smoke on the top left corner of the computer monitor. I realized exactly _what_ was happening, I've read about it before after all- multiple times actually- and wondered when it would happen to me. I immediately closed the Word Document and removed my USB flash drive from the computer CPU. I opened the speakers of the computer and heard the sounds of a struggle coming from them as well as the song 'Break the Ice' by Britney Spears. (I always leave the media player open so my desktop won't automatically log out, so what?)

Finally, there was an 'oof' and then there was a sound of whistling air as something- someone- fell from the pink cloud. "Dammit, Kaitou KID," he exclaimed- in English but with a heavy Japanese accent- as he landed particularly hard on his bottom.

I couldn't help myself- I grinned and squealed, "Conan-chan!"

It was a good thing that my parents and brothers weren't around and that my sister was downstairs listening to loud music. I would have been completely out of character to them.

He looked up and sweat-dropped as he saw me, then he stood up and dusted himself off with a grumble, just as someone else fell from the corner of the screen, but unlike Conan (who was glaring at the newcomer), he landed gracefully and on his feet. Another squeal. "Kaitou KID-sama!"

He looked at me with a grin, and with a two-fingered salute, he said, "Yo!"

Then I couldn't help but be thoughtful, why were they here? They couldn't possibly be here because of my Making It Literal fan-fiction, could they? "Hello," I greeted cheerfully and with a grin. Suppressing the grin would be hard, I knew, so I didn't bother, besides, why won't I show anything but joy at being visited by my two most favorite characters? Other than the fact that they probably visited because they wanted to say something about my fan-fiction, there was nothing! Unless they wanted to yell at me for my inability to draw them, but I haven't even posted any fan-arts about them.

"Hello," Conan greeted hesitantly and warily. I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that and comment.

"You make it seem like I'm planning something horrible for you."

"Does 'Oh, I'm so cruel to Saguru-kun!' give a hint?" He asked in a deadpan. The quoted words were said in a higher pitch than usual in an attempt to copy my voice. Oh, I thought that earlier, right? I'd better stop projecting thoughts then... Now how exactly can that be done?

I grinned and said, "Don't worry, it's just Saguru-kun who's in danger. In fact, it's something that even KID-sama will enjoy." My eyes moved to the white-clad thief who was studying the Yahoo! Messenger smiley in the taskbar.

KID perked up at that. "Why? What did you do to tantei-san?" His English had a slight touch of Japanese accent, but not as bad as Conan's.

"I dressed him up in hot pink," I answered him in a matter-of-fact tone. An amused and mischievous look appeared on KID's face and an alarmed one on Conan's. Conan immediately went to the My Computer icon on my desktop screen and poked it, opening a window. Apparently, he realized the implications of my statement- that it meant that I either had a fan-art, or a fan-fiction. I ignored him, he wouldn't find anything incriminating anyway. He was looking through the wrong computer for that. "What are you two doing here anyway?"

Conan did not even pause in his perusal of her folders and just continued opening even more folders. Windows upon windows opened- luckily, pictures all opened on the same window. And, another fortunate thing, he didn't click on anything with an 'executable' extension- that would've been a pain. KID gestured at Conan as he said, "We're making sure that you don't have any stories or pictures about us which are 'crack' or 'out of character' or-" KID shivered, "yaoi." Then he continued on like normal, "Also, we know for a fact that you have a fan-fic about the two of us and that you've been conspiring with someone with the penname of 'Dragon-sama and/or Starling', _Tsugumi Winters_."

I felt my lips quirk up. Well, isn't this fascinating, they know my penname. Should I play along? "Hajimemashite," I murmured playfully, my voice raising in pitch as it always did when I attempted to speak what little Japanese I knew, "atashi no namae wa Tsugumi desu." ... Zip it, I wanted to show off to my favorite characters. I then switched back to English, my voice returning to its normal pitch, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Kaitou KID-sama, Conan-chan." KID preened at the honorific that I used on him. Conan, on the other hand, twitched, but continued in his perusal of the computer's files. I gazed mournfully at my taskbar- which had never been so full before.

KID cleared his throat. "We still need to talk about that fan-fic of yours."

I attempted a pleasant smile, but I think it might have looked like all the other smiles I've tried before. Hm, I need to work on that. "Oh, is there something about my fic that bothers you?" I already knew one of the things that bothered him: the pairing.

"It's the pairing," KID said, and I couldn't quite help the smug smile that appeared on my face.

Then Conan appeared beside him. When did he stop looking through the folders and files? The look on his face was all the warning I needed. I lowered the volume. Sure enough, Conan's words, which sounded like normal speech because the volume was lowered, were said in a shout, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING PAIRING US TOGETHER LIKE _THAT_!?"

Have you ever seen me bullshit someone? No? Watch me. I plastered an 'I'm so innocent, I could kill someone and no one will ever suspect me' look on my face and questioned in a light voice, "Oh? Whatever do you mean?" Even _I_ could hear the bull crap there.

KID opened his mouth to say something, but never had the chance to as Conan bellowed, "DON'T BULLSHIT ME!" Oh, right, I don't have a word filter like Zeodyme Delacross does. "YOUR LIVEJOURNAL _CLEARLY_ SAID K- K-" He shuddered here, unable to finish the sentence. Even KID was pale-faced and wasn't even trying. I decided to help him finish that sentence.

"Kaito x Shinichi?"

"THAT!" Conan yelled with an accusing finger while KID just shivered.

"What's wrong with it?" I queried. You know, pissing people off was kind of fun. Now I know why KID keeps infuriating Nakamori-keibu.

Conan fell into Nakamori-keibu's role of cursing like a sailor while KID said something which I couldn't hear. Oh, right, the volume was still lowered. I stood up and closed the door- to lessen the sounds that my sister might hear. I returned the speakers to their normal volume and asked KID to repeat what he said. "Ojou-san," I smiled at him, no one's addressed me like that before! Then again, that might have something to do with the lack of Japanese people around me. "I am a kaitou- a thief- and tantei-kun is exactly that- a tantei, a detective. There's no way that the relationship could work."

By then, Conan had stormed off and continued looking through my files and the music had changed to 'Missing' by Evanescence. "But didn't you hear, Kaitou KID-sama?" I said, "Love conquers all."

"But," KID started, "I'm already in love with a lovely ojou-san. Surely _that_ love could conquer whatever you throw our way."

"But don't you know, Kaitou KID-sama?" I said, "There's a fine line between love and hate. It's easy to tumble into the other, just as it's easy to blur those lines. Besides," I added, "sometimes you have to let someone go if you want them to be safe." I paused, then asked, "Have you read my story, Kaitou KID-sama?"

KID's face was unreadable, but, eventually, he answered, "Yes, I have."

"And?"

"You shrunk me, I was out of character and tantei-kun was extremely bipolar." I smiled faintly.

"I know, but I'm not exactly sure on how I could change it, so I'm leaving it as is," I replied to the unspoken question: 'Why were we like that?' "Do you know what happens at your encounter with Aoko-san?"

"What?" There was a frown on his face as he tried to work out what I had planned for that particular encounter.

"You pretend that you haven't seen the person she's looking for and you let her continue to think that he's missing and possibly dead."

"But that's to protect her," KID protested, "and when the cure is found I would return to her."

"And if there is no cure?" I glanced at Conan, who had frozen as he reached for another file. "Surely you would want her to move on and be happy," I wasn't just speaking to KID this time. And I definitely wasn't just talking about my fan-fiction.

KID cleared his throat, "Gosho wouldn't do that to tantei-kun."

"No, he wouldn't, would he?" I agreed, "But I'm not Gosho-sensei."

This seemed to remind Conan of what he was supposed to be doing and he continued looking through files. KID's gaze was somber and he said, "You're cruel."

I shrugged. I already knew that, and I told him as much. If I wasn't cruel, I wouldn't be writing fan-fictions to begin with. As I continued mourning for my taskbar, KID asked, "Why wouldn't you give us a cure?"

The answer was simple. "Plot," I said. "No one seems to realize that it's a good thing that Edogawa Conan existing is a good thing. If Edogawa Conan doesn't exist, Kudo Shinichi would either be dead, or still unaware of the Black Organization. Plus, it sure knocked down his ego by a few notches."

"That doesn't explain why you won't create a cure," KID pointed out.

"What would you two do with the cure then?" I retorted, "Take it?" KID nodded. "With the Black Organization still on the loose?"

"Of course not! We'll wait 'til the Black Organization is gone," Conan said from where he was still looking through files.

"And what? You'll announce to the world that you were Edogawa Conan? Allow the people who want vengeance to find you? Do you really think that _all_ the members of the organization will be found?" I asked. "There're bound to be a few people who will get away and want revenge, not to mention the hidden sympathizers."

"We'll deal with it when we get there then," Conan said.

"And don't forget, it's Edogawa Conan who has the extensive network, not Kudo Shinichi," I added.

"Just shut up already!"

I puffed up a cheek in annoyance- my version of a pout- then exhaled deeply through my nose and began to sing along softly to the song. I was never one to ignore music, after all, and he didn't want to hear me talk.

KID had gone to help Conan search through files, leaving me to roll my eyes and sing. I reached for the cabinet and chucked my USB flash drive in there. The two didn't seem to notice. In the meantime, the song had changed once again.

It was a while before the two finally realized that there really was nothing to find. "Where are they?" Conan demanded. I continued singing under my breath. Wow, this 'get visited by DCMK characters' got tiring after a while. "Oi!"

Finally, I paused in my singing and stated, "You told me to shut up." I went back to singing after that.

"Well, I'm telling you to talk now," he growled. Huh, it seemed that Conan was the one who demanded and KID was the calm one... How odd for a thief and a detective. Oh well, though it _would_ have been more intimidating if he was taller and he was real.

"I can't draw a body to save my life, so you don't have to worry about finding anything but chibis and heads sketches from me. And I don't store fan-arts from other people, so you don't have to worry about that. No, I'm not telling you where I stored the fan-fictions," I said as I began to close down all the files that the duo opened.

"Why not?" Conan glared.

"Because you would mess with it and KID-sama would pro'lly steal it away and leave some sort of 'I stole this' note in its place," I stated. After what he did to Kolidescope-san, I wouldn't put it past them.

KID grinned widely at that, he probably realized that I somehow knew Kolidescope-san... or he was preening from the suffix again. "How do we get you to tell us where the fan-fics are?" He asked.

"... You pro'lly don't want to know," I told them after all the images the question conjured were over. Though, it seemed that they saw it too, seeing as their faces were pale and they were slowly backing away from me. _Ah, the hazards of mind-reading,_ I projected that thought.

"We didn't need to see that," Conan said shakily. KID agreed just as shakily.

"Well," I muttered, "now I know what I would do if I get annoyed with you two."

... I blinked. Where'd they go? I pouted. "They left."

I sighed. So, they're gone and left me lots of windows to close... "Screw it," I muttered and rebooted the computer.

I smirked as I logged in once again to the computer. Well, should they try and return to take my fan-fictions... I'd be ready with a whole new set of yaoi imaginations to use against them. I couldn't help but wonder though. Where _did_ they go?

* * *

"You said that that _Tsugumi Winters_," he shivered, "was planning with someone called 'Dragon-sama and/or Starling', right?"

"Yeah," KID confirmed with a shudder of his own. "Let's never go back there, okay?"

"Definitely," Conan agreed. "We'll send the girls instead."

* * *

I sneezed and, suddenly, the temperature around me dropped, but I couldn't understand why. I felt a sense of foreboding.

"Oh no, they're plotting against me," I groaned and let my head drop to the desk.


End file.
